Of the thousands of people reported missing in Australia each year it is hopeful to know that most are located . But just as the disappearance of a loved can give rise to intense and mixed emotions so too can finding the person.
This chapter explores some of the issues surrounding both short-term and long-term disappearances. It commences by discussing the possible issues that arise when a loved one is found. It then examines the implications often associated with long-term cases of missing persons.
Henderson and Henderson (1998) .
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4.1. Location
Often within a month from the time of disappearance most missing persons are found. Typically they are found, not because of the tireless search efforts of others, but because they return home or contact family members and friends. This can be a joyous time providing much needed relief to those who were desperately searching for the person.
Yet, paradoxically, this can also be a time filled with tension. Amid the happiness and joy can be many other emotions – some of which are negative. Often these emotions are unexpected they can leave family members, friends, and the missing person unsure of how to handle the situation .
FFMPU (2001b) .
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4.1.1. Reconnecting With the Missing Person
Often when a loved one is missing families talk about ‘just needing to know they are alive'. When the missing person is discovered to be alive much joy and relief is brought to anxious family members and friends. Yet, many discover that a number of issues surface and create friction within relationships – particularly those between the missing person and their family members and friends:
“After many years of separation, the process of reconciliation can be very emotional and psychologically traumatic… We are often made aware in the media of joyous reunions established after many years of separation. Yet, often the picture is not so rosy when missing persons attempt to reconcile with their families and friends” .
Understandably, family members and friends have an array of questions they would like answered. Many ask, “Why did the person go missing, and will it happen again?” The uncertainty of possible disappearances in the future places strain on relationships. This can leave family members and friends feeling as though they are continually walking on eggshells , cautious that their comments or behaviours might cause the next disappearance:
In some circumstances either or both the family member and the missing person are not given the support to explore why the disappearance occurred. When this occurs the threat that the missing person may chose to vanish again is both real and possible.
Another source of tension is the expectation that life can go back to normal. Following the reconnection between the missing person, family members, and friends, some believe that life can continue as it did before the disappearance. However, people change – sometimes a little, sometimes a lot.
It is important to recognise that while the missing person was absent they may have changed. Maybe they have different personality attributes, different likes and dislikes, or different aspirations. There is also the possibility that, while they were absent, they did things they normally would not do – perhaps they engaged in some acts of street crime to help them survive as a missing person . Or perhaps they became victim of a crime due to the vulnerability of being a missing person. This can be difficult for family members and friends to come to terms with.
By the same token, the family members and friends left behind also changed while the missing person was absent. Although they may be subtle they are still changes nevertheless.
Collectively, these changes can make it difficult to continue life as it was before the missing person disappeared. This is particularly the case if the missing person was absent for a long period.
There is no single strategy to strengthen relationships between the missing person, their family members, and their friends. However, the assistance of a counsellor may be helpful to facilitate this process . The guidance of an experienced practitioner can ease the journey of reconnection.
However, even before a missing person is found, family members and friends can attempt to create an environment that may aid reunification should their loved one be discovered to be live and well. By aiming to lead a quality life family members and friends create an atmosphere that fosters improved relationships:
“Young people speaking of their experiences who have been reunited with their families… emphasise… that reunification with other family members is a much easier transition if the family members have led a quality life during the ‘missing period'. Their experience indicates that reunification is much harder if family members have been unable to reach a level of emotional maturity during the period of missing” .
Some families may find this suggestion difficult to conceptualise as the very nature of having someone missing means that your quality of life will be greatly impacted upon. Therefore suggestions such as thinking through how the missing person could be welcomed back into your home as well as wondering what the missing person may need in order to do this may be a good starting point.
A brochure outlining some issues you may wish to consider when reconnecting with a missing person can be found at www.lawlink.nsw.gov.au/missingpersons
Ranson (1995, p.18) .
Jacques (2002) .
Jacques (2002, pp. 17-18) .
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4.1.2. Missing Persons who choose not to reconnect
In some circumstances, particularly when some form of family conflict has occurred, missing people are located but choose not to make contact with those who are searching for them.
While they might be relieved that their loved one is live and well they are left to consider why the missing person has decided to remain missing from the people who love them.
It can be very difficult to make sense of this situation. Some family members and friends become quite preoccupied with the situation perhaps blaming themselves for what has happened.
Although such preoccupation is understandable it becomes problematic when it inhibits daily living. You may find it hard to concentrate on anything else for your thoughts always seem to be elsewhere. You might also be highly critical of yourself, have intense feelings of anger and sadness, or have a negative self-image. If you think you may be experiencing these it is important to discuss your concerns with your General Practitioner or a mental health service provider.
Some strategies such as writing a letter to the missing person (either sent or for your own needs) my assist in clarifying how you feel. Also sending a message to a missing person that your door is always open gives the missing person a choice in terms of what they may decide either now or in the future.
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