|
|
 |
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
Chapter 2. Understanding Your Experiences
“The real victims in ‘missing persons' cases are often the family and friends” . Learning about the effect of a disappearance of a loved one can give rise to a multitude of emotions. The impact of having someone missing can affect every aspect of your life. As a family member or friend of a missing person, you may experience changes to your health, your employment, your quality of life, your relationships, your finances, and most of all, an impact on your mental wellbeing. In Australia, and in particular in NSW, professionals have been able to gain a better understanding of the support needs of families of Missing Persons through the development of a specialised counselling services – The Families and Friends of Missing Persons Unit within the NSW Attorney General's Department. The term used by counsellors and professionals working with families to explain their trauma is ‘Ambiguous loss”. This phrase was developed by Emeritus Professor Pauline Boss, University of Minnesota , in 1979 and refers to a loss that is unresolved or unclear. Ambiguous acknowledges that the loss felt by those left behind can be confusing and unclear. Knowing that there is a term for this loss can offer reassurance in itself. This may decrease your tendency to feel confused and helpless, or to blame yourself. The National Missing Persons Coordination Centre has developed a counselling framework to assist other health care professionals to better understand the experience of ambiguous loss. You may wish to read this framework as it unpacks some of the ways in which accessing counselling can support you in your experiences of unresolved loss. The framework can be accessed at www.missingpersons.gov.au Many family members and friends of missing persons experience negative health effects. These are usually a direct consequence of the missing person's absence. However, some pre-existing conditions may be worsened by the stress associated with the disappearance of a loved one. The health concerns commonly experienced by family members and friends of missing persons are usually symptoms of stress . These include physical factors like chest pain, tremors, vomiting, fatigue dizziness, high blood pressure and headaches. At the same time a variety of emotional responses can also be observed including anxiety, fear, anger, depression and lack of motivation. Needless to say, these symptoms have a significant impact on the well-being of those who experience them. However, there may also be long-term health effects that are not immediately apparent. For instance, the stress and trauma often felt by those with a missing loved one can affect their body's ability to resist or combat illness and disease. Extended stress can also worsen existing medical conditions or trigger those that have not been diagnosed yet. Another health concern relates to behaviours that place health at risk . Family members and friends of missing persons may have poor eating habits; they may not exercise regularly; they may also use addictive substances, like caffeine, nicotine, prescription drugs and alcohol unsafely. These, in turn, place their health at risk. When a loved one is missing those remaining may find their work life can be disrupted. This might be because time off work is taken to search for the missing person, or to deal with the emotional stress of the situation. Yet, even when time off work is not taken, you may still have trouble maintaining your ability to function at work. This is often because it is hard to concentrate. Families have spoken about a sense of wanting to achieve what they normally would have achieved at work however they may be feeling overwhelmed that there is so much uncertainty in their lives while their loved one remains missing. 2.3. Effects on Quality of Life Searching for a missing loved one takes time, effort, and energy. Evidently, everyday routines are disrupted. Bedtime comes at a later hour; sleep patterns are disturbed; meals are eaten on the run , if at all; time off work is taken; children in the family have time off school; and other family members or friends leave their own routines to baby-sit children, or comfort those who are distressed. Your quality of life may be affected in other ways. You may inadvertently overlook the emotional needs of other family members; there may be reduced involvement in social and leisure activities; and important celebrations may be missed. In light of the traumatic event that has affected your life it is likely that you will experience relationship changes. There may be more stress and tension in family relationships as well as within intimate relationships. People speak of feeling frustrated that not all family members or friends are coping in the same way; some may have very different ideas about what may have happened to the missing person. This is normal – when we cope with an unresolved loss there is no rulebook which dictates how a person should cope – in addition to your stress you should also recognise that each person has a right to think what they may about the missing person. Not every family member or friend will be on the same page in terms of their ideas about where a missing person may be. Conflicting emotions when the missing person has returned home may also continue as there may be a breakdown of trust and a degree of hostility or anger directed toward them. Family members and friends of missing persons also experience financial problems. You may incur costs through your efforts to search for your missing loved one. You may also experience a loss in earnings, health-related costs, legal costs, and property loss or damage. Perhaps relying on a close relative or friend to help you manage your finances (assistance in paying bills, keeping a check on what may be overdue etc) may assist in lessening the impact that missing has on a persons life. 2.6. Effects on your emotional wellbeing Without doubt, the disappearance of a loved one can affect your mental health . There are changes to both thought processes and emotions. Some of the common changes to thought processes include: • Impaired judgement Some of the common changes to emotions include: • Anger Collectively, these responses demonstrate the variety of thought changes and feelings that you may experience. Furthermore, these (and other) reactions may be experienced with different degrees of intensity. In the face of adversity sometimes-particular emotions are expected . For instance, we might expect feelings of anxiety, distress, and depression to surface. However, we may not expect to experience other emotions, like relief . Relief and a sense of release can emerge when a loved one is missing, particularly when relationships with the missing person were strained before their disappearance. After a long period of chaos, tension, and instability in the relationship the absence of the missing person can provide a sense of relief and peace. Sometimes these feelings give rise to a sense of guilt for feeling this way. The disappearance of a loved one may have been the final stage of a long and traumatic journey – acknowledging the impact of the past may allow you to be more forgiving of your emotions whilst your loved one is missing. It is important to recognise that the disappearance of a loved one gives rise to a wide array of emotions – both negative and positive. These experiences are quite typical among the family members and friends of missing persons. There is much confusion about where the missing person may be and whether they will return. This brings about feelings of uncertainty, doubt, and insecurity. Loss is discussed in the general community however ‘Ambiguous Loss' is an issue that is rarely understood. As a result some families speak about not being able to talk about the sadness of their loss, as it is not evident that the loss is temporary or permanent. When someone has disappeared there is no ritual to acknowledge the loss. The family members and friends may be living in a cloud of doubt not knowing where their loved one is, or if they are safe . The loss felt by those left behind is confusing and unclear. The next chapter explores this and other mental health issues often experienced by the family members and friends of missing persons. It also discusses useful ways of coping with the challenging emotions that ‘missing' evokes, however before we proceed it is worth learning more about the experiences of other people who have been touched by the devastation of a loved one going missing. Although no two experiences are the same their stories can provide unique insights and understandings of a shared experience. 2.7. The lived experience – stories from families of missing persons Learning that others have had experiences similar to your own can give people a sense of reassurance and comfort. There is a sense of sameness – a belief that you are in the same boat as other people. Their stories about a similar experience also offer opportunities to learn – what did they do? How did they manage? Above all, their stories can offer hope. They demonstrate that people can survive the challenges they are faced with, whatever the outcome. This is aptly demonstrated in the stories below, which have been kindly contributed by some family members of missing persons. Although their journeys may have been different to yours, it shows courage, determination, and survival, regardless of how their situations unfolded. If you would like access to other stories FFMPU has a collection of stories entitled ‘A glimmer of hope”. You can order a copy by sending an email to ffmpu@agd.nsw.gov.au 2.7.1 A young person's story My daughter, Olivia, was 17 when she went missing for 7 months– looking back now I think I could see the downward slide she took in the years leading to her disappearance but even if I had seen it I would never had expected that it would lead to her vanishing. Olivia was a bright, outspoken kid; she was always interested in learning new things and never had problems making friends. She had the capacity to get a bit down now and again but I just assumed it was “just a phase”, but maybe it wasn't. My husband got a job in rural NSW when Olivia was 15 and we decided that a few years in the country would be great as the kids were getting older and we thought that we mightn't have the opportunity to be together as “a family” for much longer. Olivia struggled in the country – she hated her new school and hated being away from her friends, the shops, basically anything to do with the city she missed. I tried to reach her so many times but I felt that she was slipping away from me. I remember the first time she came home drug-affected, she was shouting and swearing and telling me what a horrible mother I was for taking her away from everything that made her happy. We tried to get help for Olivia – she begrudgingly went along to some counselling appointments but her behaviour worsened and I worried that she might have been using heavier drugs or drinking more alcohol. She was out all the time and when she was home she was sullen and introverted. I rang every service to help me but they all said that Olivia was now a young woman and she had to ask for her own help – it was so frustrating to watch her spirit disappear and, as a mother, feel like I couldn't do a thing about it. In the two years following the start of her drug use Olivia became more and more withdrawn. She moved out of home and into a house with 3 others – I worried about these people as they were older and I thought that they looked like they used drugs. My husband and I decided to try and engage Olivia and suggested that we move back to the city – Olivia refused to talk to us about anything so the only option was to stay in the country as we thought that if we lived near her we could, at the very least, keep an eye on her. Olivia and I had a huge fight on the day she vanished as she had come home and stolen some money from her older sister – I begged her to get help, she was extremely paranoid and I was worried that the drug use coupled with her depression was stopping her from thinking clearly. I told her to get out and not come back until she had sought some help. That was the last time I saw her for 7 months and I still regret how we parted that day. Four weeks later I bumped into one of Olivia's flatmates who said that he hadn't seen her for weeks and that she owed rent. I contacted everyone that she knew and I found out that no one had seen her for a month. My husband and I reported her missing to the Police but they didn't had any luck tracing her – the privacy laws constantly stopped us from finding out how she was. Her bank account remained untouched and her mobile phone hadn't been used. While she was away everyday for me seemed the same, I felt like I've become frozen to the time when she disappeared. I felt so guilty for the things I said to her and spent so much time daydreaming about a time when I might see her again. I replayed that last time we saw each other over and over – trying to understand why I acted like I did and trying to see if I missed any clues about her disappearance. When Olivia returned she told us that she had needed some time out – she had been staying with friends, picking up some ‘cash' work and basically isolating herself from everyone. I was OK with this, I had no choice, but I was so angry that she hadn't wondered if I thought that she might have hurt herself or might have been in trouble while she was away. In the same way I'm also ecstatic that she's back as I couldn't have imagined how I would have lived my life if I never knew what happened to my daughter. The other struggle we have now that she's home is the panic that I'll say something wrong and she'll go again. It's as if one fear has gone away and ten more have replaced it. I watch everything she does but try to give her space at the same time. She said she doesn't need help, I tried to get a counsellor to come and see her but without her permission I'm powerless. I talk to other mums who have concerns about their children's emotional wellbeing – at least I know I'm not alone. We just have to keep hoping that she won't go again because that's all we have to hold on to. 2.7.2 Jason's story I can clearly remember what it was like when my son, Jason, was missing. Even though it's many years ago now, I remember it like yesterday. Jason was a charming, kind-hearted young man, filled with creativity, and zest for life and people. He was a frequent and colourful communicator. But he was also known for his erratic behaviour. Jason had a mental health issue and was, at times, unreliable. There were times when he did not appear at family celebrations. At a birthday dinner given for me at a restaurant, he had sent a polite note to the host saying he was declining because he was going away for a short break. He signed the letter, “Yours peacefully, Jason”. A couple of weeks later, Jason did not appear at a Father's Day luncheon. His beloved grandfather was at that luncheon, and Jason had always looked forward to seeing and talking to Grandad. We later learned that Jason also failed to keep a legal appointment that week. Some time after Father's Day it was realised that no family member or friend had seen or heard from Jason for many weeks. Neither had he drawn his dole cheque during this time. A family member urged my sons and me to go to the police to register Jason as a missing person . We did this immediately. The period of time that followed was the worst I have ever experienced. Despite being a strong-willed, hard-working, professional woman, as well as a single mother, I found the stress and anguish of Jason's disappearance the most difficult challenge ever. His unexplained absence cannot compare with other experiences I have faced including pain, disability, poverty and bereavement. Not knowing is the hardest thing to live with. My hopes would rise and fall like a yoyo. My imagination worked overtime. I imagined the worst, rarely the best. I lived by the telephone in anticipation of news. I became reluctant to leave the phone – even to have a shower. And every time the telephone rang, my heart would miss a beat. “Was it news about Jason, or perhaps Jason, himself, phoning?” This was in the days before answering machines and voice mail. I can also remember with crystal clarity the black day I learnt that Jason was dead. Our handsome, well-spoken, charismatic Jason was no more. Upon learning about his death we planned a funeral. This helped our journey of mourning and grieving. Although this mourning process was painful, it had a sense of normality about it. I don't believe it compares to the pain of not knowing the whereabouts of a loved one. Having experienced the sudden disappearance of a loved one I can see the way it has affected my life. Although the experience has brought a lot of hardship it has also made me value life more. I don't worry about trivia in relationships, and I am now able to help other people who are also missing a loved one. For additional stories to assist you in understanding the experience of those left behind please contact the Families and Friends of Missing Persons Unit to order a copy of ‘A glimmer of hope – stories of courage'. As a nation, Australia is made up of many and varied cultures. If you are missing a loved one, and you are from another culture, you may have different concerns than some of the ones portrayed in this book. In addition to the fears and anxieties that surround the disappearance of your loved one, you may also fear the authorities involved in the search, like police and welfare organisations. Social or political reasons may mean that you try to avoid contact with these authorities rather than approach them for assistance. Additionally, you may not be aware of the support services available to you. Cultural and language barriers may isolate you from mainstream organisations, and thus worsen your mental health issues. For Aboriginal communities there may be some additional cultural and historical issues that impact on families and communities who have someone missing. Historically many Aboriginal people were separated from their family and community through Government policies and legislation such as the “Stolen Generation”. These people have often been separated form their family for a long time. Chapter Seven has contact details for Link-Up, which can assist in searching for family members. We know from Police records that Aboriginal young females aged 12-15 years old are at greater risk of going missing that the rest of the Aboriginal population . This is of concern to the Aboriginal community. Hence in 2006 the FFMPU and NSW Police produced a DVD to assist the Aboriginal community in raising awareness of the risk of going missing, the importance of reporting missing persons to Police and the help that is available. People can sometimes feel hesitant about going to the Police to make a missing person report, however it is important to remember that going missing is not a crime and that the Police role is to locate the missing person and ensure they are safe and well. The DVD ‘Missing' can be viewed online at the FFMPU website www.lawlink.nsw.gov.au/missingpersons There are community organisations that are particularly sensitive to the needs and concerns of those from other cultures. These organisations, ( some of which are listed in Chapter 7 – Sources of support ) can serve as an important link between you and the police and welfare organisations that are searching for your missing loved one. Please contact these community organisations as they may make your personal journey more manageable. 2.9. Keeping a check on your wellbeing This chapter has explored some of the common experiences described by family members and friends of missing persons. You may have identified with some of these while others perhaps were of little relevance to your personal situation. This again demonstrates that people who are missing a loved one respond quite differently to the same situation. To help you identify and better understand your own experiences you may find it helpful to use the following exercise. It is a simple exercise to help you identify how you may be feeling. Some families like to keep a journal or keep a scrap book that explores how they cope on a daily basis when a loved one is missing, Once you have done this you might like to discuss how you are feeling with someone you feel comfortable with, like a counsellor, a family member or a friend. It is particularly important to do this if you are feeling snowed under by your feelings. Exercise one: Take a piece of paper or start a journal…ask yourself How Do I Feel Today? The purpose of the exercise is to prompt you to be in tune with your emotions. It helps to demonstrate to you that in the midst of the chaos of awaiting news of a missing person there are moments of clarity and difficult moments that you may be able to better prepare yourself for in the future. Families have commented that being able to observe the changes in their coping capacities helps to demonstrate their own resilience and strength when faced with the uncertainty of an ambiguous loss. Ranson (1995, p. 16) . |
|
|
|